The votes are in, and now we can reveal the tracklisting for the Discopop Directory onanism compilation album.
We're just in time for you to burn a copy for Father's Day, too!
Here we go:
1) Chuck Berry - My Ding-a-ling
While the single is unsubtle enough, you should really dig out the live version for the extra hand-job related lyrics:"We did it in the kitchen!
"We did it in the hall!
"I got some on my fingers
"So I wiped it on the wall!"
2) The Divinyls - I Touch Myself
No further explanation needed.
3) Prince - Darling Nikki
It's really about a one-night-stand with a kinky sex-mistress, but worth including for the line "I met her in a hotel lobby masturbating with a magazine"
. If you're a purist, here are a few other Prince songs you can choose from: Tambourine, Jack U Off, Pheremone.
4) Semisonic - Get a Grip on Yourself
Although it seems to be a light-hearted ode to cracking one off ("Get a grip on yourself take my advice. I got a grip on myself and it feels nice"), Semisonic get extra kudos for the plaintive observation that this is "the loneliest kind of love"
5)The Undertones - Teenage Kicks
6)The Vapors - Turning Japanese
Two classics, back-to-back.
7)U2 - Babyface
A sticky-fingered ode to the slow-mo button on your video recorder.
8)Tori Amos - Icicle
Bonus sacrilege points for Tori, whose song is not just about flicking the bean - but doing it at church!
9) Billy Joel - Captain Jack"Your sister's gone out, she's on a date
You just sit at home and masturbate"
10) Green Day - Longview
Helpfully dispelling the rumours that stroking the salami makes you go blind. Thanks, chaps.
11)The Buzzcocks - Orgasm Addict
12)Marvin Gaye - Sexual Healing
The 12" version contains some extra lyrics in the fade-out…"Don't procrastinate
Don't want to have to masturbate"
13)Cyndi Lauper - She Bop
14)The Violent Femmes - Blister In The Sun"Big hands, you know you're the one"
Labels: Music, the act of self-love