Monday, June 2, 2014

Good grief, it's Cheryl Cole!

Why is Cheryl Cole standing on her tippy-toes? I'll tell you why: It's because she's nervous about how people will react to her brand new single Crazy Stupid Love.

Well, the good news is it's a superlative pop record. There's a bit with a parping horn and a bit that goes "la la la" and a terrible rollercoaster metaphor and a chorus that's catchy as all heck. It even has Tinie Tempah rapping that he'd be surprised by any woman who has hips and thighs, which makes you wonder what sort of fetish magazines he's been reading lately.

Cheryl Cole - Crazy Stupid Love

It's a bit of a grower, this one. Give it a day or two and it'll be holding your brain hostage.

With the first radio play out of the way, the next question is what Cheryl's got planned for her comeback TV performance? To recap, we've had the following watercooler moments:

FIGHT FOR THIS LOVE (2009) - Faulty trousers

PROMISE THIS (2010) - Zebra legs

CALL MY NAME (2012) - Falling off a balcony

Cheryl, if you're reading, here's some ideas I came up with on the bus.

1) Balancing on a huge inflatable beach ball

2) In character as Venezuelan exchange student Señor Hector Banana

3) Perched on the back of an elephant

4) Planted in a flowerpot

5) Cooking a soufflé

6) Get Bill Bailey to play the hook on his air-horn machine

7) Perform entire song with back to camera, then turn round to reveal comedy Alan Sugar mask with googly eyes

8) In a T-shirt bearing the legend "my other t-shirt says Nicola Roberts"

9) Doing this exact dance

10) Pogo sticks

11) Unscripted appearance, standing outside the window of The One Show dressed as a whistle

12) Learn ventriloquism and make Tinie Tempah's rap appear to come out of a strawberry jelly with spectacles drawn on it

13) More double sex crab

I'll leave it in your hands, Cheryl. But please bear in mind that, as bad as these ideas seem, all of them are better than having your backing dancers pretend to play plastic saxophones. And I'm 75% sure someone's already placed an order for the props.

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