Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Seven things we want from Lana Del Rey's new record

Over the weekend, Lana Del Rey met some fans on the street and told them her new album Ultraviolence would be out on 1st May. Then she realised she was being filmed and started adding disclaimers like "I think" and "I don’t know". But you do know don't you, Lana?

The first of May is excitingly soon, isn't it? It basically means the album is finished, and the record label are having long, boring meetings about the font on the artwork and which song to leak first give to Zane Lowe.

While there's still time for a few last-minute tweaks, here are seven things I'd like from a new LDR album

1) A song about a red dress
"I put my red dress on", "I take my red dress off", "I recycle my red dress in the local Oxfam". Lana Del Rey's best songs all have a red dress in them. So how about an entire song about a red dress? It could be called Red Dress.

2) Absolutely no spoken word intros
Lana's videos (sorry, "short films") are littered with excruciating monologues. "And the spirit of John moved upon the face of the waters," begins one. "My dreams were dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky that I wished upon," goes another. Not to put too fine a point on it, they are fucking drivel. Any spoken word passage on UltraViolence will be swiftly dropped in the iTunes scrapyard.

3) A song about her lips
Remember when "real" music sites suddenly turned on Lana Del Rey and said her debut album was dreary and a letdown? And then they gave up any pretence of impartiality or decorum and attacked her for having lips that aren't the shape of normal lips? I hope there's a really angry song about that. But funny and smart. Not like a Jessie J song.

4) Young and Beautiful
The track Lana recorded for The Great Gatsby ranks among her best, but if she thinks I'm going to buy a soundtrack CD that also contains Will.i.am's Bang Bang she doesn't know me at all (she doesn't know me at all, but that's beside the point). If she could bung it on the deluxe edition, that would be fantastic. A blubsome cover of It's My Party would be good, too.

5) Song titles featuring oxymorons
Born to Die; Summertime Sadness; Dark Paradise. Lana likes contrasting happy words with sad words, and so do I. Here are some new song suggestions: Jolly Nice Monsters; Cupcake Holocaust; Kiss My Rabies.

NB: Any permutation of "Love to Hate You" is unacceptable.

6) For the love of God, no rapping
Born To Die's biggest virtue was that it was completely self-contained. Even when the poor-little-princess routine verged on self-parody ("my pussy tastes like Pepsi-Cola" indeed) Lana got away with it because she inhabited that smoky B-movie universe completely.

Any time a rapper jumped on a remix, though, the songs were instantly diminished. Need proof? Here's Azealia Banks ruining Blue Jeans.

7) Ten great pop songs
Frankly, it doesn't matter what Lana Del Rey does. She could record a concept album about boiled mutton sandwiches and, if the songs were amazing, I'd let it pass. So this whole article has been a waste of time, hasn't it? Oh dear.

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