Monday, November 18, 2013

Britney Spears is "like an alien"

"There was a time I was one of a kind... I was lonely then, like an alien."

These are the opening lines of the opening track of Britney Spears' "most personal record yet" Britney Jean Is Not My Lover.

Alien is written by Charli XCX (hooray!) and produced by William Orbit (double hooray!). It's a more sedate, thoughtful track than you'd expect - and one that reinforces her manager's assertion that Britney Jean has "a Ray of Light Madonna vibe". Although it's nowhere near as good as Drowned World, it is nonetheless a welcome step towards maturity from the woman who brought us If You Seek Amy.

The thing is: How does Britney know aliens are lonely? Has she asked any aliens? Has she consulted with Robbie Williams or Shaun Ryder? Because I'm not sure she's got it right.

Aren't aliens supposed to be sociable - always beaming people up and investigating their bottoms? It's no wonder these dudes are so chipper.

And this one seems more angry than lonely. He's quite literally the James Arthur of aliens - bewildered by a world of terrifyingly unfamiliar sensory bombardment, and prone to biting things he doesn't understand.

Admittedly, ET was lonely and frightened after his unplanned vacation in an eight-year-old's cupboard. But look how badly things turned out when he finally did make a friend.

And there's no way this cute little alien guy could ever be alone. Just look at his cute little face. A-woof-woof-woof-woof-woof. A-woof-woof-woof. Woof. [Er, are you ok - Ed?]

So there you have it. Britney Spears: Good at songs, bad at metaphors.

Britney Jean is out on 29 November or 2 December, depending on your "territory".

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