Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Doing it wrong: Rihanna

She's an odd fish, that Rihanna (overly literal illustration above). Half the time, she makes titanium-plated pop anthems. The other half is spent churning out cynical, joyless dross like Russian Roulette.

Today, we are sadly in the presence of the latter.

Rihanna's new single, S&M, actually manages to make Samantha Fox's Touch Me seem like a scholarly study of sexual politics. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me," Rihanna repeatedly sings in her colourless monotone, with all the excitement and motivation of a child being forced through the front gates of school.

"Sex in the air, I love the smell of it," she adds. Ah yes, the sweet, seductive smell of sex. That sumptuous aroma of stale bodily fluids and stained bedsheets. So potent and erotic that they pump it through the air conditoning at Tesco to make people buy extra tissues. I think we all know exactly how Rihanna feels.

If you think it all sounds tawdry and desperate, wait til you see the video. It has Perez Hilton in it, for a start. Then Rihanna "suggestively" eats a banana (hint: you're supposed to think of a cock).

It isn't shocking or camp or playful or sexy any of the other things it's supposed to be. It's just BORING.

Rihanna - S&M

Brilliantly, S&M shines a whole new light on Rihanna's other new single. At first, Who's That Chick seemed like a bog-standard collaboration with DJ David Guetta. Not it appears to be a glittering example of carefree, disposable pop. It doesn't even matter that it's a weak retread of Madonna's Who's That Girl, because Rihanna's clearly having a blast.

Plus, it doesn't make you want to stuff your shoe so far down your throat that you choke.

David Guetta feat Rihanna - Who's That Chick

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