Monday, March 15, 2010

Awful noise of the day: Professor Green

Sometimes, readers, listening to pop music is not good for you. Sometimes, a pop song will reach into the bathtub of your soul, pull out the plug, and let everything glug away. This is one of those songs.

Professor Green ft Ed Drewett - Need You Tonight

Now, I don't normally complain about music on this blog, but Professor Green's witless, moronic "tune" has angered me in a way that is normally the preserve of a gorilla who's had his favourite banana smushed by a mandrill and gone feral. I am seething, frothing, livid and generally quite a bit upset.

The song was on to a loser from the very beginning, because it samples Need You Tonight - INXS's signature song from 1987. Actually, "sample" is too generous a term. Professor Green has just flipped the single over to the b-side (ask your dad) and talked over the instrumental.

Then, to make matters worse, he deletes the chorus and gets Darren from EastEnders to sing over the top. And what he sings is so basic and rudimentary, it feels insulting to call it a hook.

The lyrics go: "She's everything I want, but all that I don't need" (writers - this is an entirely new and original linguistic juxtaposition, which you could also exploit in your songs to great effect) but they might as well be: "I sing this line quite high, and this one goes down low" for all the effort that's gone into writing them.

Professor Green - or Stephen Manderson, for that is in fact his name - jumps in for the verses, rapping about being given the run-around by a girl he likes. To be fair, the lyrical conceit of the player being played is quite clever but Stephen undermines the whole thing with his final pay-off: "It's just a song. In real life, this would never happen to me. I am a pimp."

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

Now, it just so happens putting a rap over the top of INXS's Need You Tonight is neither a new nor an original idea. A man called DJ McSleazy had a go a couple of years ago, combining the track with Neneh Cherry's I Got You Under My Skin. It is no exaggeration to say the result is ten bajillion-gazkillion-manillion times better.

INXS vs Neneh Cherry - Got Your Cherry Tonight

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