Thursday, February 15, 2007

Blow-by-blow Brits

8:01pm ITV continuity announces that "anything could happen". I bet it couldn't. There won't be any tigers, for example. And Fearne Cotton won’t suddenly become a decent interviewer. Or will she? (Answer: no).

8:02pm The Scissor Sisters are re-creating their fabulous video with the puppets in it and their slightly-less-fabulous song with Elton John in it. This would be amazing if ITV stopped jump-cutting all over the place and just showed us the medium close up. Tsk, tsk.

8:08pm Russell Brand is here and he is better, although strangely reminiscent of, Chris Evans. Yay for Russell. He does a joke about Keith Allen being the first person to produce Lily Allen… through his willy. Guffaw!

8:15pm Snow Patrol do their song from the Grey's Anatomy advert. Mrsdiscopop shouts obscenities at the telly. Have you noticed how this song is just the same 16 bars repeated four times? It doesn’t build up to a crescendo or anything, it just gets a bit louder at the end. Next!

8:20pm Fearne Cotton is backstage with Muse, who say they deserved their best live act award (all the other acts are dead, ha ha). She tells us to vote for the best British single, but only gives us five choices. These include The Feeling?! Is she sure?!

8:25pm Here is Jarvis Cocker. Brits Trivia: He once waved his bum at Michael Jackson, who was pretending to be Jesus.

8:26pm Best Breakthrough Act goes to the Fratellis. Who the fuck are the Fratellis?

8:27pm Okay, I've heard their songs but until now I had no idea what they looked like. One of them, let's call him Hamish McScotsman, thanks his mum and dad. Rock and Roll, eh kids?

8:32pm Best International Group goes to Orson. Who the fuck are Orson?

8:33pm Orson tell MTV viewers, who voted for them, that they should be very, very ashamed of themselves.

8:33pm Not really.

8:35pm Amy Winehouse comes out. She seems to be having trouble with her beehive. She is also hula dancing like Baby's sister in Dirty Dancing. The Red Hot Chili Peppers look confused.

8:40pm Joss Stone, dressed like a hooker in a sci-fi B-movie, demands that we send out love to Robbie Williams "for what he's going through right now". Presumably she means cold turkey and not a humiliating defeat at the hands of Gary Barlow. Or the half a kilogram of coke he's shovelling up his nose.

8:41pm James Morrisson wins the best British male award. Who the fuck is James Morrisson?

8:42pm Morrison dedicates his award to "every singer-songwriter still playing in pubs". That means one of our regular readers, Dogboy, has won a Brit! Well done, Dogboy.

8:45pm I ordered a "romantic" Valentines-night curry an hour ago and it still hasn't arrived. Grrrr.

8:46pm Some guy comes out to do the intro for the best international male award. When he sees the result he goes "Oh no, not him!". See, literally anything can, and will, happen at this edgy, dangerous awards ceremony.

8:47pm Despite his protest, Justin Timberlake still gets the prize. This means JT is officially better than Bob Dylan. Who'd have thunk it?

8:50pm Hooray for The Killers, who turn out to be the first competent live act of the night. They have even brought along My Name Is Earl to play the drums. Hooray for The Killers.

8:56pm Amy Winehouse wins best British female - the first truly deserved award of the evening. I wonder if she'll have a drink to celebrate?

8:57pm Ricky Wilson is looking remarkably trim.

8:58pm Bloody hell! Nelly Furtado has won best International female. Justice at last! Nelly is wearing a terrifying dress, which threatens to reveal her busoms to the world.

Luckily, the spirit of Judy Finnegan is not with her and Nelly delivers a very touching speech about how the Brits are the most important awards because she was inspired by Blur and Tricky and Massive Attack. Nelly rules.

9:00pm Take That are doing their Patience song. Mark Owen has spotted something really interesting on the roof. Is Lily Allen about to jump? Sadly, no.

9:10pm Giles from Buffy is giving out best British band. The Arctic Monkeys win but they're not there. Apparently they're "busy" rehearsing for their tour. More likely, however, is that it's bath night and their mum won't let them out.

They are dressed up like they are in The Wizard of Oz, which is a trick they stole from Gnarls Barkley. But Gnarls Barkley aren't going to be given any awards tonight.

9:13pm Best international album goes to The Killers. Even they look surprised.

9:15pm Who is it that keeps spraying the bands with champagne as they walk up? When the camera panned around just now, there was no-one who could conceivably have had a bottle in their hands. Dare I suggest that the whole wastage of bubbly is a huge con perpetrated by the producers in an attempt to make this show seem somehow dangerous. Yes, I do dare.

9:20pm Steve Tyler and Sophie Ellis-Bextor come out to present the best international group prize. Tyler calls it best American band and Sophie corrects him in a very proper schoolmistress's voice, thereby fulfilling several hundred male sexual fantasies. As it turns out, all the nominees are American after all. The Killers win again and bring a tiny Italian waiter on stage with them. No, wait, that's Brandon Flowers.

9:25pm The curry still hasn't arrived.

9:30pm If I hear that Corinne Bailey Rae song one more time, I will have to damage a puppy. I swear.

9:31pm Luckily, I do not have to endure the song because the curry has arrived. But it's cold and the driver appears to have eaten one of the dishes on his two-hour, half-mile journey to our house. I might have a little cry now.

9:35pm Oh god, it's going from bad to worse. Alan Carr is on my telly. What is the point of this useless little cretin. I bet he's going to announce that Snow Patrol have won best single…

9:35-and-a-half pm Rejoice for the Take That band have won a prizes! Somewhere in America, Robbie Williams is opening another bottle of "prescription" drugs.

Howard (or is it Jason?) dedicates the award to his formerly-estranged dad. They cut to a picture of his dad, who looks like a character from Shameless. Brilliant!

9:40pm The last important award of the night is best British album. It goes to the Arctic Monkeys. This time they are dressed up as the Village People. Hilarious.

9:43pm Fearne Cotton has Take That standing beside her. Rather than ask the glaringly obvious Robbie question, she goes for "what's been your favourite moment of the night so far?". "Winning," says Mark Owen. Clang.

9:45pm Celebrate, for there is only one more thing to do and that is awarding Oasis with a "you're not very good any more" prize. I think I'll turn over for Desperate Housewives a couple of minutes early.

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