Friday, December 22, 2006

A year in Discopop

:: Everyone was talking about the Arctic Monkeys and how they used the intertron to become famous. This very quickly became a pattern for mediocre bands who wanted a bit of press coverage.
:: A picture of Mariah Carey looking fat started doing the rounds. It was fake, but that didn't stop people sending it to me every sodding week for the next six months.
:: Promo copies of Nelly Furtado's new material came out, including an unfinished version of Maneater. Nothing else came close all year.

:: Lots of people got excited about Betty Boo's comeback single, Wigwam. And then they heard it.
::Prince performed at the Brits. In a year where the Kaiser Chiefs and James Blunt dominated the awards, he was seemingly there just to point out how shit they were.
:: Coldplay announced they were "taking a break" and, God bless them, kept their word.
:: Smash Hits closed. Sniff.

:: Michael Jackson was forced to close Neverland after it turned out he wasn't Peter Pan, but a creepy old perv.
:: Regina Spektor sorted herself out and released some proper pop songs, without all the random yelps and warbling that besmirched her previous records. The album, Begin To Hope, was the best one we heard all year. She also did a tour, which we missed. :(

:: Nintendo changed the name of their new games console from Revolution to Wii. How we laughed.
:: Take That done a tour and everyone wet their knickers.
:: Simon and Miquita quit Popworld, leaving two talentless shitbags to mug and preen their way through the show formerly known as 'brilliant'.
:: The Cardigans were ace. And so were The Sugababes v3.0

:: We saw a French lady called Camille on the TV and liked her a lot. Even though she wrote on her face with eyeliner.
:: Girls Aloud brought an asthma roadie on tour, along with some excellent songs and ropey costumes. We did a review.
:: The BBC's Storyfix team used some Discopop music on their podcast, and lots of people turned up to download it (from here). They never came back, though. Ungrateful bastards.
:: Janet Jackson released an internet-only exclusive song as a precursor to her rubbish new album. Precisely two people gave a shit. Another three gave a rat's ass.

:: There was a football competition called the World Cup and people went a bit nuts.
:: Kimberley out of Girls Aloud ate forty-seven kilograms of cocaine wrapped up in a pancake, or something.

:: Top of the Pops was cancelled. Double sniff.
:: Kylie, who had been sick, stopped being sick and announced a string of comeback concerts. They sold out like hot buns during a hot bun shortage in bun appreciation month.
:: The Arctic Monkeys won the Mercury and Girls Aloud won the Popjustice. Nobody was surprised at either result.
:: An offhand comment from mrsdiscopop comparing the Pet Shop Boys to a Nintendo game made about 5,000 people visit the site in a day. How queer.

:: Jamelia came back after an 18-month absence, only to discover that people had stopped caring in the interim. Poor Jamelia.
:: The Killers came back after an 18-month absence, only to discover that everyone had begun to seriously over-rate them in the interim.

:: We liked Mitchell and Webb's new comedy programme. That's Numberwang!
:: Justin Timberlake brought sexy back. Except he's a minger with the cold, dead eyes of a murderer.
:: Banksy did naughty things to Paris Hilton's CD, the scamp.

:: Gwen Stefani announced her comeback. Everyone covered their ears and ran away screaming.
:: Madonna kidnapped a baby from Africa then pretended to be surprised when people were upset. Silly Madonna.
:: Mel Gibson had a drink and said some naughty things about the Jews, then pretended to be sorry when people were upset. Naughty Mel.

:: Matt Willis ate a bumhole on the telly, and he still couldn't make anyone buy his records.
:: Michael Jackson went to an awards show and said he wasn't going to sing. The organisers shoved a children's choir on the stage and he couldn't help following them out. A lot of people were very angry because he was not doing Thriller, although I personally thought it was very creepy.
:: Girls Aloud put out a Greatest Hits album and it went to number one. Everyone decided they were quite good after all and the band decided not to split up just yet. Result!

:: A newly single Britney Spears showed us her minge. Over and over and over again.
:: Lots of people bought a Wii and broke their telly.
:: Jordan and Peter's album got some of the best reviews in the world... ever.

Wow - I could have just done this post and slept for the rest of the year. Anyway, thanks to anyone who came along and read this humble blog in 2006. I'll try to put up my top ten singles and albums next week - but if I don't manage it, have a great Chrimbo and a swingorilliant New Year.


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