Saturday, December 30, 2006

The Discopop Top 10 singles of 2006

Here it is, then, the Discopop Directory Totally Unbiased Top 10 Singles of 2006. As ever, instead of using any critical faculty, this is completely based on iTunes play counts - plus an amazing little bit of algebra that stops records from the start of the year automatically getting to the top of the list. That's what an AS-Level in maths will do for you, folks.

So, from the top...

1) Nelly Furtado - Maneater
Was there ever any doubt that Maneater would top the list? It's a perfectly crafted pop single, starting off with a massive drumbeat that screams "look at me", which is immediately followed (and this is a measure of just how brilliant the writing is) by the line "Everybody look at me".

Do. You. See. What. They. Did. There? Pure genius.

2) The Raconteurs - Steady As She Goes
I was surprised at this, too. Granted, it toddles along very pleasantly with a crunchy guitar hook and one of those melodies they used to write in olden times, when men rode horses and women had big skirts for the hiding of turnips inside. But the song has probably made its way to the top because it's suitable for every occasion. I've played it in the car, at parties, and in my pyjamas. What a saucepot, eh, viewers?

3) Gnarls Barkley - Crazy
This clearly should have been at number two. I'm currently looking at all that maths and trying to see if I got it wrong somewhere.

I hope I get marks for my working out.

4) Amy Winehouse - Rehab
They tried to make her go to rehab. But do you know what she said? She said NO. Thrice.

What's more, she did it all over a pseudo-Motown funky soul backbeat that made everyone go "oooh, she's not half bad, is she?". Top marks, too, for referencing Donnie Hathaway and Ray Charles.

And did you see Winehouse's fantastic appearance on TV pop quiz Never Mind The Buzzcocks???

5) Robyn - Konichiwa Bictches
Shame on you, punters, for not buying this sugary slab of fizzy pop. It's as good as a Wham bar, only on CD. Here's a sample of the words in the song, which are completely nutso-bonkers:

I'll hammer your toe
Like a pediatrician
Saw you in half
Like I'm a magician
Tear you down
Like I'm in demolition
Count you out
Like a mathematician

Luckily for you, its being re-released in 2007. Buy it, and slip into a musical diabetic coma.

6) Beyoncé - Irreplaceable
Let's face it, Beyoncé needed a bloody great ballad in her back catalogue to offset all those gloopy Destiny's Child stinkers. This will duly be her pension fund - a great big kiss-off to a cheating partner with not a small amount of ego in the chorus. "I can have another you in a minute" indeed. Get her.

7) Muse - Supermassive Black Hole
Muse generally write ridiculously overblown rock operas that would make Freddie Mercury think: "Actually, that's taking things a bit far", even if he was riding on Liberace's back in a gold lamé jumpsuit at the time. So this three-minute pop song was something of a surprise. Coming on like Britney Spears on one of her dark days, it made Muse fans furious. "It sounds just like a fucking song to dance to when you're at a wedding," fumed one. But isn't that exactly the point, my dear?

8) Red Hot Chili Peppers - Dani California
Initially, this sounded like every other Red Hot Chili Peppers song ever. Seven months on, it still sounds like every Red Hot Chili Peppers song ever. But why change a successful formula? In fact, why not just go mental and make a double album of the same song over and over and over again? "Yes, that's what we should do," quoth the Peppers. Marvellous.

9) Nelly Furtado - Promiscous
Hmmm... I suspect this is making an appearance in the Top 10 because its right next to Maneater on Nelly's album, meaning I automatically listen to it at least twice a week. It has a clever lyrical conceit, if you discount all the other duets about a man and a woman chatting each other up - i.e. every duet in history except that one where Nick Cave does away with Kylie Minogues.

10) Girls Aloud - Something Kinda Ooooh
Well, they had to make an appearance, didn't they? The trailer for their hugely successful Greatest Hits album, Ooooh was a proper saucy little dance minx. There was an allusion to the sex act involving the bottom and something about a Toot-toot - which be a veiled reference to a lady's mimsy if I'm not mistaken. Oooh-er.

So, there you have it. If you haven't heard any of these (a) get thee to iTunes forthwith and (b) where have you been all year?

I'll be back in 2007 with my top 10 albums, and a review of Kylie's comeback tour in Wembley. Have a great New Year everyone!

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