Thursday, November 30, 2006

Jungle Love (oh-weh-oh-weh-oh)

gest starI've always avoided watching I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! - largely because of its dreadful title. It is a curse of multi-channel TV that all shows now have purely functional names so that, if you're flicking through the electronic programme guide, you don't accidentally watch a Dutch film about animal rape because it's been euphemistically titled Old McDonald 'Had' A Farm.

But this year I've been sucked in. And, as is the tradition round here, I haven't bothered to mention it until the series reaches its bitter end, because I like to pretend I'm totally above reality television. Of course, I am no such thing.

For those of you who don't know the concept, it is this: A dozen people who were relatively well-known (once, when you weren't looking) are dumped into the Australian jungle for three weeks and made to carry out humiliating tasks for food.

The ones that have attended English public schools tend to do better.

I started watching this year because I'd actually heard of some of the celebs taking part - in particular Liza Minelli's former husband David Gest. He's generally accepted to be "a bit odd", but it turns out he's a witty, personable lunatic. Although he is incredibly spoilt. And puts moisturiser on his cutlery.

klassy ladyThere are also three pop stars on the show this year, and they're ones I've heard of. I've even (whisper it) bought some of their records. Chief among them is Jason Donovan: better known as Kylie's ex-squeeze and Skye Mangel's step-brother. He is as fantastically cheery and boy scout-ish as you would expect.

His poppy cohorts are Myleene Klass - the sole talented member of reality TV show band Hear'Say - and Matt Outofbusted who, endearingly, believes his real surname is Willis.

The show ends tomorrow, so I thought I'd give you a quick run-through the bits I enjoyed most, just in case you want to catch up and watch the final. You'll only catch a chill if you go out, anyway.

:: David Gest claiming his maid is called Vaginaca Semen.
:: Gest telling a fully-trusting Myleene that one of his parents was a nun and the other a fisherman.
:: Oh, and that each of them only had one leg.
:: Jason Donovan's freaky, staring eyeballs of insanity.
:: The bit in the first episode where the contestants had to bungee-jump into the camp - from a helicopter hovering a million feet above a valley full of spiky poles, or something.
:: The 'trial' where ex-soap actor Dean Gaffney screamed like a girl because of a rat or two [youtube]
:: David Gest claiming his friend runs a hotel for Albinos.
:: Called Albino Heights.
:: Watching the producers' frequent, tortured, attempts to find reasons to show Myleene Klass in a bikini, culminating in Tuesday's show where she was forced to choose between stripping off and having a shower or never eating again. Actually, I'm going to put a video of that one right here:

(I will definitely be going to hell for posting this. Or so says mrsdiscopop)

Like I say, the show ends tomorrow and - holy foccacia! - the three musicians have made it through to the final. Maybe this is a good thing, because it proves the British people love their pop stars again. Or is it in fact sad, because being humiliated in the jungle is the only way for pop stars to get on the telly these days? Yes, I think it is sad. No, definitely.

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