Friday, March 10, 2006

Do you think they'd look better this big?

Imagine you're a student at Colombia University. It's Friday morning. Last night you imbibed an indeterminate number of bottles fizzy pop. Someone has written the word 'plank' on your forehead in magic marker.

You feel like the mouldy insole of a two-year old tennis shoe, but you've been warned about the number of lectures you're missing. So you pull on last night's clothes, spray an entire can of Right Guard over your mucky body, and eat a couple of sticks of gum in lieu of the toothpaste you've forgotten to buy.

It takes about 15 minutes to get to the lecture hall. You're the last in. Which means sitting at the front. Which means no chance of catching up on your sleep. You pull out a dog-eared notepad and get ready for the inevitable tedium.

But - oh Holy crap - is that Natalie Portman coming into the classroom? Oh for the love of the baby jesus and all the tiny animals, it is Natalie fucking Portman. Fuck!

Oh, wait a minute, though. She's giving a lecture? On terrorism? Based on her experience of what? The Clone Wars? Bet you wished you'd stayed in bed now...

...Brilliantly, this did actually happen. Portman, who speaks five languages and has a degree from Harvard, turned up at Colombia University earlier this week as a 'stand-in professor'. One student even managed to get a picture on his camera-phone and blogged the whole affair.

The student lists the highlights of Portman's lecture as follows:
  • "My immediate reaction is that torture is wrong."
  • "I don't think it's right to take down the Twin Towers."
  • "Censorship is bad."

Which, I suppose, is better than Lee Ryan would have managed (we've gotta think about the dolphins!). And some other students have suggested those comments were (gasp!) taken out of context.

The blog also has tons of comments (unlike this one). The best of these comes from Ben Mills, who says, "Hey, that's the back of my head! I'm glad I wore a nice shirt today, though I regret not combing my hair.".

Dear Ben, in later years you will come to realise that this particular shirt could only ever be considered 'nice' by a student, a student's mother, or an accountant. (I'm just being jealous here).

Anyway, enough of this nonsense. If you really want to know more about this momentous occasion of a filmstar looking vaguely intelligent, go to:
  • Hello! Magazine (Oh, the irony)
  • Or The Blue and White Blog

    And then Natalie's fantastic gangsta-rap appearance on last week's Saturday Night Live.

    Natalie Portman has a film coming out this week.

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